whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
