so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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