what day is it and did you see me today?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
