the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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