It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
