Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
