Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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