she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
