I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
