He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
