I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
