She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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