I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
