I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
