If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
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how do you play pong handcuffed?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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