he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
