I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I understand Curling. That high.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize