I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
