Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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