I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
