You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
