Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
