This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
