You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
