sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
