The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
