Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize