Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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