Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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