I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
