Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
