A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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