Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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