we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
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