I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
