it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
