he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
this hospital has no fireball
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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