I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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