Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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