morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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