When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize