Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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