Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
