...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
