dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
