She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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