yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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