Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
