If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
