Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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