My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
