He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
