Whoa Z and x make the same sound
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
