did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
