Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
