Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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